Damn Christmas!
by LadyFromPoland
Summary: Merlin always loved Christmas but Arthur ruined it by disappearing from his life. Three years later he still can't forget about his best friend. Is Merlin going to enjoy Christmas ever again?


_**Damn Christmas!**_

Merlin always loved Christmas. At least he used to until the memorable Christmas three years ago. The sudden change was the fault of one and only Arthur Pendragon. Did Merlin have a crush on his best friend? Yes. Was he in love with him? Maybe... Merlin had never allowed himself to dwell on his feelings towards Arthur. His friend was unreachable. He was straight and gorgeous – according to Merlin way out of his league, even if Arthur was actually interested in men.

From this perspective, Merlin was certain that it was reasonable to cast his feelings away. It pained him enough to lose a friend. If he allowed himself to have these feelings, the pain would have been much greater. It was better the way it ended up.

Merlin wished Arthur all what was best, even though he had no idea where Arthur was and what he was doing. Three years ago Arthur told him that he was leaving London and that he was leaving everything behind. Arthur had enough of his father and of the way he was trying to control his career and personal life. Merlin still remembered as Arthur told him that he needed a break from it all. That was why he decided to leave the city.

" _Where would you go?" Merlin asked him then, even though he wanted to scream 'Why are you leaving_ me _behind?'_

 _Arthur just shook his head and said, "I can't tell you. No one can know. That's the point. That's the only way to leave everything behind and start anew."_

 _These words broke Merlin's heart but he never admitted it even to himself. "So this is goodbye?" he asked and Arthur confirmed it with a short nod._

That was the last time Merlin saw Arthur. At first his friends were talking about Arthur's sudden decision. They complained about it and wondered what he was doing, but in time they seemed to forget about Arthur entirely. Merlin wasn't that lucky. He never had a chance to forget his friend. Sometimes he dreamt about him at night and when he woke up, he felt an emptiness in his heart. At those times he was mad at Arthur. He couldn't stop thinking that he just left, not giving any sign of life afterwards, as if their friendship meant nothing to him.

It was two weeks before Christmas when Gwen called him and said that they needed to meet.

"We haven't seen each other in ages," she complained.

"More like a month," Merlin corrected her.

"Exactly! That's what I'm talking about," Gwen told him. "It's time for a pre-Christmas coffee. That's our tradition."

Merlin sighed inwardly but agreed to see her after work on Friday. He was not in the mood for Christmas-related get-togethers but it was rather a norm these days. It was not a valid reason to say _no_ to Gwen.

That was why he found himself drinking a gingerbread latte on the Friday evening, with Gwen talking to him about her Christmas preparations and what she was going to give her husband as a present. The mention of Lancelot brought back the memories of Arthur to him. Gwen and Arthur had a short fling in college but as soon as Lance joined their group of friends, Gwen had eyes only for him. She was smitten with the man and her thing with Arthur quickly came to an end. At the moment, she was happily married to Lance and Arthur was a history for her.

"Merlin?" she asked suddenly.

Merlin raised his gaze, not being sure what to expect. He wasn't listening carefully for the past few minutes. He was too deep in thoughts that mostly concerned Arthur. It happened to him quite often during Christmas time.

"Yes?" he asked, uncertain.

"I've got something important to tell you, so please listen to me," said Gwen quietly.

At first Merlin wanted to protest and say that he was listening to her but then he met her gaze and understood that Gwen knew him better than he wished at the moment, and that he wasn't as good at hiding his distraction as he hoped he was.

"What is it?" he asked humbly.

Gwen's face suddenly turned very serious. She bit her bottom lip nervously and then looked him in the eye. "He's back," she finally said.

Merlin frowned slightly. "Who's back?" he asked as his heart skipped a beat. It couldn't be what his heart and mind were telling him. It just couldn't.

"Arthur," Gwen told him.

Merlin's world started spinning. He felt as if he was about to faint.

"Are you ok?" Gwen asked him, clearly worried.

"How...? When...?" He wasn't really sure what he wanted to say. This news just made him a walking mess.

"I met him last week on the street," she explained. "It was out of the sudden. He didn't expect to see me or any of us. We talked and..."

"How is he?" Merlin interrupted her. It was a bit rude but at this point he no longer cared.

"I think he found the peace he was looking for," Gwen admitted.

"Good," murmured Merlin and looked down. At the same time he was both glad that Arthur was in a better state and disappointed that he needed to leave to achieve it. "I wish him well."

"He asked about you," Gwen told him hesitantly.

"Why?" Merlin couldn't help asking. "He made his point clear that he didn't want to have us in his life when he left and never tried to contact us again. He could've written a letter or an email to give a sign that he's ok, but he never did. I'm glad that he's fine but it doesn't change what he did."

"Merlin, you were never the reason why he left. Arthur did what he did because he thought it was the only way to live his life on his own terms, and not because he wanted to leave you." Gwen assured him.

"You talk about _me_ while I talk about _us_ ," murmured Merlin. "Arthur left all his friends behind. I was never special."

"Oh, Merlin..." Gwen looked as if she wanted to hug him. "Of course you were special. I still think you are."

"Don't say that."

"But that's the truth." She opened her purse and pulled a piece of paper out of it. "This is Arthur's phone number. He asked me to give it to you in case you wanted to talk to him. I didn't give Arthur your number. The choice is yours. You'll do what you think is best for you."

"I don't know what's best for me," said Merlin but took the paper.

"I can't make this choice for you," Gwen told him sadly. Then she quickly finished her coffee and kissed Merlin on the cheek. "I hope to see you soon," she murmured as a goodbye and left Merlin alone with his thoughts.

His coffee turned cold but by this time he learnt Arthur's number by heart. He didn't mean to, he wanted to forget it, but he was looking at the piece of paper in his hand so long that it was inevitable.

When he came back to his tiny apartment in the evening, he couldn't stop thinking about Arthur and his number. He couldn't focus on anything else. Everything reminded him of Arthur and he felt like a heart-broken teenager, while he was a grown man who should be able to deal with such things.

Each brain cell responsible for common sense was telling him that he shouldn't call Arthur. His friend had made up his mind three years ago and there was no way to change the past. However, the sentimental part of Merlin wanted to see his old friend and find out what really happened.

Merlin felt that there was no good solution for this mess. It just felt like a trap and he was in the middle of it.

"Damn you, Arthur," murmured Merlin to himself and grabbed his phone. All lights were turned off but he liked it this way. The darkness around him reflected his current state of mind. He had no clue what to do but he knew what had to be done. He would never forgive himself if he hadn't let himself hear Arthur's voice one more time. It was pathetic but once he realised that he had a chance to hear it, he felt that he needed it as much as he needed to breathe.

Merlin dialled the number and waited. One signal – nothing. Second signal – sill nothing. He was about to give up in the middle of third signal but then the phone call was answered.

"Hallo?" he heard on the other side and his heart started beating faster. He would recognise this voice anywhere. It belonged to one and only Arthur Pendragon. Merlin had no doubt about it.

Suddenly it all felt strangely real. He believed Gwen when she said that she met Arthur but up to that moment he didn't fully comprehend it.

"Hallo?" Arthur repeated.

Merlin took a deep breath to calm down. He wanted to say something but he was too overwhelmed to utter a word.

"Merlin, is that you?" Arthur asked uncertainly.

Merlin let go of the breath he was holding and he started trembling. It seemed so easy to say _yes_ , but he couldn't.

"Is that you?" Arthur repeated. His tone turned a bit alarmed.

Then Merlin decided to pull himself together and said, "You're a prat."

"It's really you," said Arthur, completely ignoring the insult. He seemed relieved.

"Why did you ask Gwen to give me your number?" Merlin asked impatiently. He didn't mean to sound rude but he was still angry with Arthur about what he did.

"I hoped you would like to hear me out," he said shyly.

"Then explain it to me," murmured Merlin harshly.

"It's not really a phone call conversation," Arthur told him.

Deep down Merlin felt that this was not a good idea but every fibre of his body wanted it.

"I'll text you my new address. You can come and explain it in person," he said and hung up before Arthur could say anything else.

As promised, Merlin sent a text message with his current address to Arthur. It felt like the worst idea but he knew that he had nothing to lose. His mind was constantly occupied with Arthur anyway. Maybe he needed a real closure to move on. It was his chance to finally find some peace.

Arthur didn't call him or send him back any message. Merlin started wondering if he was even going to come. He was close to coming to the conclusion that Arthur wasn't going to bother when someone knocked on the door.

It could be anyone but Merlin's heart was telling him it was Arthur.

He opened the door and found out that he was right.

"Merlin..." whispered Arthur.

Merlin moved aside to let him in but he didn't say anything. He led him to the tiny living room where he turned the light on. Then he looked back at Arthur and he could finally see him. His old friend looked a bit older and more serious but it was still the man he remembered.

"It's good to see you," said Arthur, not being sure how to start.

"Don't mind the pleasantries," murmured Merlin harsher than he intended.

"I mean it," Arthur assured him. "I missed you."

Merlin looked him defiantly in the eye. "You were the one who left," he reminded him. " _I_ did not leave you."

"I know. And I'm sorry." The worst part was that Arthur looked truly sincere.

"You were gone for three years. You could at least write an email or something," Merlin continued. "I was worried about you."

"I didn't want to remind you of myself," said Arthur sheepishly.

"Remind me?" he asked in disbelief. "I thought about you every day, Arthur. I felt as if everybody else forgot that you existed and I hated it."

"I'm sorry. I never thought it would hurt you so much."

Merlin shook his head. "Hurt _me_? I would have followed you anywhere you went. I would have... but you just rejected this idea. I sometimes thought that you knew about me and that's why you left and didn't take me with you." Then he looked seriously into Arthur's eyes. "Did you know it back then? Did it scare you?"

"Did I know what?" Arthur asked him, truly confused.

Merlin started laughing hysterically. "So you didn't... Isn't it obvious now? Isn't it obvious after you saw what a mess your absence made me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You can as well find out now," murmured Merlin. "We were best friends then but I... I felt more than friendship. I fell for you so hard that I would have left everything behind to follow you and I would never expect anything in return."

"You...? You fell for me?" Arthur asked him hesitantly.

"Yeah..."

Arthur grabbed and pulled at his own hair. "Oh my God..." he said.

"Sometimes I thought you knew and that was why you didn't want to keep in touch," Merlin admitted.

"I didn't know. I swear..." Arthur assured him. "If I knew..." he started but didn't finish his thought.

"What would you do if you knew?" Merlin asked him.

A blush spread over Arthur's cheeks. "I'm not sure what I would've done then but I know how I felt. How I still feel," he admitted.

Merlin raised his gaze and looked at Arthur hopefully. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I know it's not right to say it now and it's most definitely not right to hope that maybe... just maybe... my feelings could be returned," Arthur started. "I love you, Merlin, and I loved you then, but I was too scared to admit it."

"Arthur..." This time Merlin whispered his name.

"My father wanted me to marry a daughter of one of his business partners, but I couldn't," he continued. "Not when I knew that I could never love them. However, I was too afraid to tell my father that I'd rather be with a man. I don't think he could approve."

"That's why you left?" Merlin asked him.

"There were many reasons but it was one of them," Arthur confirmed. "The greatest one actually."

"We were both so stupid," murmured Merlin.

"And stubborn," added Arthur. "I just wanted you to know the truth. I don't expect anything from you, Merlin. I will understand if you don't want me in your life anymore. I just thought that you deserved to know."

"Don't you dare thinking about leaving me behind ever again," said Merlin and grabbed his shoulders to pull him closer. "You ruined Christmas for me. Three years in a row. Damn Christmas!"

"Are you...?"

Arthur, however, didn't manage to finish his sentence because Merlin pulled him into the long-awaited kiss.

"It doesn't mean that I'm no longer mad at you," murmured Merlin when they finally pulled away from the kiss. "Because I am."

Their faces were still close and Arthur leaned a bit more so their foreheads were touching. "But you'll find a way to forgive me?" he asked hopefully.

"I think I have no choice," said Merlin. "I want to get back my merry Christmas."

Arthur smiled at his words. "Damn Christmas."

"Damn Christmas," Merlin agreed and leaned in for another kiss.

oOoOo

 _One year later_

Arthur was having a coffee with Gwen and Lancelot. They all had a lot of things to do before Christmas but they managed to find some time for this small get-together.

"It's funny," said Gwen. "This is the place where I told Merlin that you're back a year ago."

"Speaking of Merlin, why couldn't he make it to see us?" asked Lance.

Arthur looked at them a bit mischievously. "The truth is I didn't tell him to come," he admitted.

"What?"

"Why?"

"Is everything alright between the two of you?"

Gwen and Lance seemed genuinely worried.

"Everything's fine," Arthur assured them. "I just wanted to ask you for an opinion," he explained.

"What kind of opinion?" Gwen asked him.

Arthur pulled something out of his pocket.

"Is it a present for Merlin?" Lance asked.

"Of sorts," he said after a short hesitation and revealed a small box.

Gwen gasped. "Is that a ring?"

Arthur smiled and nodded. "Yes, I plan to propose to Merlin during Christmas," he said. "But isn't it too early?"

Gwen and Lance shared a short look. "It's not too early if that's what you truly want," said Gwen. "You've known each other for years."

"With a three-year break," murmured Arthur, a bit ashamed of it.

"Merlin forgave you, Arthur," added Lancelot. "He wasn't his cheerful self when you weren't around. We all hoped that he would move on eventually but he never did. Not until you came back."

"What we mean is that Merlin truly loves you," said Gwen. "If you think it's the right moment in your relationship to propose, then you should."

Arthur sighed. "I hope it's the right moment but I can't be sure," he said. "But I'm going to do that as I planned. I won't find out the truth otherwise."

Gwen sent him a wide smile. "Well said," she told him. "I'm so happy about the two of you!"

Arthur laughed nervously. "Merlin didn't say _yes_ yet," he said.

"I have a good feeling."

 _Epilogue_

It was a Christmas Eve and Gwen and Lance were getting ready for bed. It was a long day and an even longer evening, which they spent with their friends.

Gwen's phone vibrated. She glanced at the screen and said, "Merlin sent me a message that they've just arrived at his mother's house and that he's nervous," she said.

Lance smiled. "They're both so oblivious," he murmured.

"I still can't believe that they had the same idea at the same time," she said laughing.

"And they confided in us!"

"I wonder who's going to propose first," murmured Gwen. "I think it's Arthur. He's more direct."

"We shall find out soon," said Lance as he turned the light off.

On the next day they received a few interesting messages.

 _He said Yes!_ \- from Arthur

 _He proposed first!_ \- from Merlin

 _BTW, Merls proposed to me too. Can you believe it?_ \- from Arthur

 _We're getting married next year :)_ \- from Merlin

Then a couple more after an hour.

 _You sly old foxes! You knew!_ \- from Arthur

 _I can't believe it, guys. You knew?_ \- from Merlin.

Lancelot laughed. "They found out about our involvement," he said to his wife.

"It just took them an hour to talk about it," Gwen told him.

"I'm sure they've done some mischievous things in between." Lance looked genuinely certain.

"Under Hunith's roof during the day?" Gwen sounded scandalised.

Lance smirked and said, "Let's find out."

 _Found a way to debauch Merlin already? It tastes better when you're engaged ;)_ \- from Lance.

"I can't believe you just sent this message," said Gwen.

Then Lancelot's phone beeped.

 _Shut up ;)_ \- from Arthur.

"Yes, they certainly did it," said Lance, laughing.

 _The End_


End file.
